Big Trev

Found this ad, and I’m going to put the good bits up online for perpetuity. For a short time, you’ll be able to view the actual ad here: http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=160372510478&

Title: Minibike, pocket bike, kid’s motorbike, waste of money!

I have a reputation for not putting enough effort into describing items I sell on ebay, so this time I’m going to be very clear in describing the item.

The pictures above appear to be of some type of small child’s motorbike, possibly a minibike, yes, that’s what it looks like. However, this is one of those very rare Chinese made miniature motorcycles of which only about 56,785,920 were distributed world wide last year. The total lack of spare parts for these things has now convinced me that each child born in China was tasked with producing one of these; from a roll of aluminium foil and an empty ice cream container. That explains why each one is different. Not just different colours, but every single one is unique in its dimensions and spirit. Some have even been made inside-out.

Some of them have wheels which are almost round, mine doesn’t. The frame appears to be made of bamboo, painted silver to make it look stronger. When they gave the Chinese made boats the name Junk, I can now see why. Surely, one of the five year old kids tasked with building these things could weld. Every weld on the frame of this thing looks like a passing sparrow has splattered semi metallic poo on it, badly. Every bolt is a different size and the fact that it doesn’t change shape if left in the sunlight has amazed me.

I rode it once, that was enough. It was about as comfortable as pouring a cup full of leaf-cutting ants down my undies. Even though I’m so short that my feet are actually above my head, somehow riding this thing saw me wearing my ankles as earrings and trying to steer at the same time. Making things even worse was that it was like riding a chainsaw with wheels. The motor can rev like a cat with a clothes peg on its tail, making this little bike go faster than standing still - which is already a stretch of its safety envelope.

Before I took it for its one and only ride, I had to fill it up with fuel. I couldn’t understand how such a small machine could need such a large fuel tank, but then fifteen minutes after I’d put the fire out, I worked out why. The fuel leak from the carby was that severe that by the time I’d travelled 12 metres with my feet behind my head, the grass behind me was on fire. The leaking fuel had some how caught alight and although I was hoping it was a trail of burning rubber from its tyre shredding power, it was merely a small fire, not unlike a burning pipeline in Iraq. Fortunately, the fuel leak was so bad that by the time the fire caught up to the bike, there was nothing left to burn.

The bodywork on the bike isn’t even attached. I don’t know how it ever could be. There must have been a fight at the child labour factory when this thing was made, obviously the stronger five year old stole the bits that allowed this bike’s bodywork to be attached to its silver bamboo frame. So it just sits there making this thing even more ridiculous. You would expect that motorcycle bodywork would be made of plastic, true. But given the fact that this stuff a) didn’t burn and b) is as flexible as a Viagra induced erection, tells me that it is something from another planet, possibly China. I suspect that it may be some super organic, self regenerating rice paper or something.

Starting this bike is about as easy as getting a table of six for Yum Cha at 12pm. Despite the fuel gushing from the poor excuse for a carby, this thing has a pull start which has a cord about as long as a primary school play lunch. With the amount of fuel flooding from the carby, it requires full throttle to start. The first time I got it going it rode off with only the ghost of Chopstick Creek at the controls. I later learned that the best way to start it was by holding it under your arm and acting out an ACDC guitar riff before putting it back down, placing your ankles behind your ears and hoping that the thing stayed upright long enough for someone to get a photo.

On the bright side, this thing would make a fantastic garden ornament, because it has a miraculous ability to convert itself to important soil nutrients, like iron oxide, very quickly. You will notice that one of the front fork stanchions is all rusty. I didn’t do that in photoshop, it really is rooted. You will also notice that the steering is out of alignment, but what do you expect from child labour?

When the Trike of Death saw this little bike, it turned around in a very large circle and looked the other way. You have to feel sorry for this little machine, it’s like a puppy in a pound. Surely someone out there must have a good home for it? Lets face it, you can now buy something that has trodden the same ground as the legendary Trike of Death for less than the cost of a Trike of Death T shirt. You may even be able to convert this little thing into a candle, a hearing aid, a belt buckle or something else useful.

This monstrosity needs to go. Even if you buy it just for something to kick your toe on it would be worth it. You could paint it black and leave it on some stairs one night. You could create an artificial reef out of it, for one small and selfish fish. Whatever you do with it is your own business, just don’t tell anyone where it came from.

In response to some anticipated questions, here are the answers:

No, I don’t have a buy it now price, but if you can convince ebay to refund my listing fee, you can have it.

No, it doesn’t have a seat, the manufacturer didn’t design it to last long enough for your arse to make it to the where the seat would normally be.

No, it ran out of warranty on the third day, which was when it was somewhere in the middle of the Sea of China, on its way to infest the world with a good dose of unquality control.

Yes, I will deliver it to Anaheim California, it will only cost a return airfare ex Sydney and a Disneyland pass.

No, the brakes don’t work. It wasn’t designed to make it that far.

Yes, it is crap.

True, it does look good. So too do most celebrities until you see them in the flesh.

No, it wouldn’t be a nice gift for a six year old, or any other number between 1 and 1000.

No, there isn’t any spare parts available for it. They were designed around the same concept as disposable razors and toilet paper, not much good after the first use.

Yes, you are welcome to take it for a test ride – after you buy it and then sell it to someone else who advertises it for sale and offers you a ride of it.

Questions:

Question & Answer Answered On
Q: Would I be able to make it into something like a rocking horse for my 3 year old daughter 30-Oct-09
A: Yes, for sure, especially if your 3 year old likes being bucked off a rocking horse that catches on fire all the time. Use some plywood instead, it is more reliable than this thing.
Q: Would I need a helmet ? Could a pillion seat or panniers be fitted ? 30-Oct-09
A: You’ll be needing a helmet, padded room and a bottle of strong medication if you buy this thing. It really is best without panniers, as they would make it worth something.
Q: 我们非常抱歉您对您的购买失望我们光彩的第一机器。 然而您的中伤性爆发是无保证的。 除非您在24个小时内撤出广告并且发布一个公开道歉红色军队被指示发动使您的房子和邻里降低到一个毒性停车场的一次核攻击。 你的不妥协，主席毛。 30-Oct-09
A: Let me get this straight: You want one serve spring rolls, honey prawns, special fried rice, chilli crab, chicken feet and a bowl of bean curd soup. Oh, and a coke. No problems.
Q: Hi, I have no need for a mini motorbike but my kettle recently burnt out and I was wondering could I convert your bike to boil water for my pasta? 30-Oct-09
A: No, it it would only be good for toasted sandwiches. I have heard that one bloke used one as a parachute without success.
Q: Dear sir, I would like to win, can you provide riding tutorial for my 5 year old daughter since i have never ridden a motor bike before? 29-Oct-09
A: Certainly. 1. Throw bike on ground. 2. Pour petrol on bike. 3. Set fire to bike. 4. Buy anything but a Chinese bike and start all over again.
Q: Kevin Rudd talks Chinese. Perhapps the crap that came out of his mouth was used to make this bike. 29-Oct-09
A: Is that why there is that sticker on the tank that says; “For working families, working families, working families”
Q: Hi there. Very interested in the bike, i have been looking for a mode of transport for the family for quite some time now. What is your buy it now price ? Can you do it for $850 posted ? Needs to be sent to South Australia (disney dyno land) Cheers 29-Oct-09
A: This thing is only engineered to carry one person, once. It woulndn’t be much good for a family unless you just wanted to keep warm around it.
Q: hi mate! would you consider a p/x with me for a paper clip? sorry its not a coloured one,just the cheap ones,with cash coming my way aswell? 29-Oct-09
A: If you were offering me one of those foldback clips that you can use to keep a whole bundle of subpoenas together with, I may have taken you up on it. Maybe I can just give you cash?
Q: Is it by any chance painted with lead paint?? 29-Oct-09
A: Lead would have been too expensive. This thing has been painted with eel dung.
Q: I loved your add. Gave me a great laugh. Honesty is brutal. Well done! Someone will want it. They may already have one and looking for spares? 29-Oct-09
A: Even if you had five of these there still wouldn’t be enough spares to make half a good one. This really is rubbish. I feel so sorry for the poor kid that got one of these things for xmas over a trampoline!
Q: Does it come with a Fire Extinguisher? 28-Oct-09
A: No, sorry. I need to keep the fire extinguisher just in case someone gives me another bamboo disaster.
Q: Mate, thanks for that, had a fuggin shit day and you’ve just made it better! 28-Oct-09
A: Cheers, just don’t buy the thing or you’ll have many more bad days!
Q: One of your best tiger, I can’t see people looking in old sheds in 20 years for these things like an xr75.I would say its safe to let this one go. It’s the same as the one I’ve got. Nasty thing. 26-Oct-09
A: Does yours catch on fire too?
Q: If I bid and win, will you set fire to it for me and post the vid on youtube..? You can keep the ashes. 26-Oct-09
A: Yes, good idea. I’ll run over it first with as many vehicles as I can muster, then set fire to it.